coming back to my first love

In my past days, many things had happened into my life and actually my life was scattered that time and almost all of me was broken.
What happen is that I was starting to hate myself, let me just first tell you that I was so melancholic I want all things to be in my way and almost all things to be organized, until a such time that I have my painting but suddenly someone get it and truly I was hurt (emotionally) I painted that one with all my heart and even I also do it from my heart. I was a kind of person that was really shy to talk to anyone that I hate him or her of what that person had done in my emotions. So what I will do is that I will just tell myself that it was my entire fault and I am the reason of all things that is happening in my life. I truly hate myself that time I want to hurt myself only because of that painting. Until my mother and the other members of our family would tell things about me that was not true and I was again hurt. Till my armor was broken, that I lose myself, lose my faith, my hope was gone and all things were so impossible. For me what was happening is that people around me don’t want to let me fell the joy that I truly need. My true family that I hope they will help me but still find that they are also sometimes pulling me down. So I have sinned and my heart was just full of intensions to revenge. I had sinned a lot. I even hate my leader because he did not come in the time I need him.

And so my relationship with my God aolso change from being on fire for him that fire faints and starts to think to kill myself.

Then I search my heart and ask myself “why is this happening?” and then God told me “if you are willing to ask for forgiveness I am also willing to forgive you.” Until a time he also told me that I was once again crucifying him because of sin and that strikes me most. I ask for his blood and ask for his love once again. I knew that Jesus really loves me.